La Marcha, Cada Paso, Con Miedo, Hacia Mi
A very vulnerable stream of consciousness Spanglish writing on my experience attending the Women's March in Quito, Ecuador for the first time - March 8th, 2024
el camino personal, el camino recorrido en comunidad, el camino recorrido en silencio, el camino recorrido a gritos, a gritos vivos, a gritos internos, a gritos de rabia, de amor, de sostén.
hola es Estefi and here’s a bit of a personal post… It’s been 4 years since we moved to Ecuador, the same 4 years it took us to fall in love in college, that *really* puts it into perspective for me.
Year 1, Year 2, Year 3, came and went and I stood there paralyzed too afraid to go to a women’s march here in Ecuador, por mucho tiempo me dio mucho miedo, hacer amigas, conocer a mujeres aquÃ, preguntar si van a ir a la marcha a las personas que seguÃa en instagram… Year 4 came and I was standing there, I had a choice, to ask friends who now were more than Instagram people, if they were going and joining them or not.
I was anxious as hell, I was afraid for my safety, I was afraid about what could the police do to us, and what if I got lost, all the fears I grew up here with, were all so present, felt so real, no matter if it was 2019 or 2024 it was like I was back in 1999 as a 6 year old afraid to ask for help, afraid that she would never belong.
The day was quickly approaching, the march was Friday so I built up the courage and messaged a couple of friends who quickly responded with an I’m not sure I’m going. So I was back where I started, full of fear and doubt, I messaged another friend, and told her my fears, and she said that I would be okay and meet up with her if I wanted to. So I went to sleep confused not sure if I would go. On the morning of March 8th, 2024 I decided to message one last friend and see if she was going, and she said yes, she said come have lunch with us, we’ll all be together, and we’ll even get to take the metro back from the march, which to me, the thought of getting on something close to the new york city subway was just as healing as making my way marching and yelling through old town Quito.
Thank you for reading me. Thank you for being so patient as these words unravel out of my head into this notes note. So I met up with these incredible humans and doggies who made me feel so safe, we had delicious Vietnamese food, my favorite, and we vulnerably shared and got to know each other, we pulled some cards from the Tarot deck and gave each other intuitive advice and we prepped to head out. We called an Uber, made it to El Ejido Park, and crossed through this gorgeous park that I hadn’t stepped foot into since maybe 10-something years old? so it’s been a long time.
I spotted the crowd, and my heart started beating, but there was this confidence, this stillness in my heart at the same time, it was like my heart, felt seen, felt like it belonged, it all just made sense, it felt right.
That’s when I said to myself, please enjoy this, allow, allow yourself to be, to yell, to read, to feel safe, allow yourself to be a part of the magic. As we all started walking, then the drums started beating, there were grandmas, little kids, and little girls on their parents’ shoulders, the flags were flying in the sky, and my fingers, my bones, felt the powerful energy that was there.
I could see the pain, the anger, the sadness, the happiness, the comradery, the hope. For the first time, there was a full 100% understanding, that we are all human, that we deserve to exist, and that there are humans out there who still care. They still show up.
We were dancing, we were yelling, we were laughing, we existed, exactly as we were, with each other, we walked alongside the other, holding space for our collective pain.
For many years I used pain as my gasoline, I would constantly light myself up on fire. I didn’t know how much I was addicted to feeling pain. The lesson once I discovered that wasn’t that I am broken, it was, how do I show myself love if I don’t know how to really love and accept myself wholeheartedly.
The journey that has brought me to many of my unravellings has been one of looking back, at myself, at my reflection, naked in a room, even when I don’t feel like it. I continuously find myself struggling in a pendulum that takes me from 0 to 100, a pendulum, full of dieting, body dysmorphia, judging myself, hating my existence, violence, mental, physical, emotional, sexual violence, anxiety, depression, suicide… I can continue to name labels but what’s the point, I’ve always found solace in silence, in silent punishment, in blame.
No more, somehow this past weekend, asking for help, sharing without shame, feeling held, it changed me, it changed something in my DNA, I know it sounds wild, but it’s true, it somehow feels like there’s a light, a small wind that keeps the pendulum moving, that allows for tears, for compassion, for love, for smiles, for dances, for joy, for transforming the fire in vapor. Somehow, this past weekend, starting with the March, with feeling others, with seeing others, with being in my body right there, acknowledging the discomfort, acknowledging the fear, walking, transforming it in songs, in chants, in smoke, transforming it…
En la marcha, yo sentÃ, en los latidos de mi corazón que pertenecia, a un tejido más grande que yo sola, aún más grande que el nucleo en le que crecÃ, que no estoy sola, que no estamos solas, que todavia queda mucho que reconocer, pero que si existe esperanza cuando nos reconocemos.
Cuando nos reconocemos desde el dolor, desde la angustia, desde la desesperanza, que tambien ese reconocimiento se transforma immediatamente en amor, en abrazos, en sonrisas, en gritos que abren el corazón y escucho el redoble de mi latir, me encuentro sabiendome amada, vista, acompanada, me encuentro sabiendo que existen otres tejiendo conmigo, aunque no nos veamos en el dia dia, en esta marcha reconocà sus rostros.
Ya no tengo miedo de ir a la marcha el próximo año, ahora entiendo que el miedo, el control, no me va a acercar al amor, a la libertad. Al amor que merezco dar, al amor que merezco recibir, al amor que merece existir.
Cada dia, volviendo a la libertad con la que vine, gracias a las que vinieron antes de mÃ.
May we never forget those who came before us, those who are here and you may not know, may we never stop chanting, marching, and mobilizing for those who can’t, those who are coming.
I don’t know every day I discover something new, and I learn and unlearn, I am constantly rediscovering who I am, and what moves me, spiritually, and wholeheartedly, it’s deeper and more intangible. It’s a practice that I’m constantly evolving, a practice of showing up with fear, humility, grace, and hope. Constantly reminding myself to lean into joyous love, that it may seem unknown but it’s here, inside me somewhere just waiting for me to breathe and believe.
May my faith continue to grow, and may I continue to remember that feeling of being surrounded by the crowd full of humans who believe we can all belong, and that we all deserve to live a free full life, no matter what. May I always remember that the feeling lives in me already. That I am enough exactly as I am, that I deserve love, that I must love and hold myself, no excuses, no buts. With tenderness and kindness.
Thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts, I just want to thank all those who show up for their causes day in and day out, without you, there would be no hope.
Here’s a little look into the subway stop we got on to go back, full body chills hearing those subway sounds again!! lol I know I’m dramatic.
Thank you for reading this wonderfully vulnerable entry.
I know the fight is still going, and I hope this post can give you the nudge you need to go out there, reach out to those you admire and have similar values with and maybe you will end up being friends enough that you will end up doing something that scares you alongside people you admire.
Love you, sending hugs your way from this corner of the internet,
— Estefi / Tefa
Link to the video of the march on Instagram
This was so beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. Seems like a new page has been turned and you’re starting a new chapter here in Ecuador which is such a beautiful thing.