Soy Todo y Nada

Stream of consciousness, honoring today.

This week I found this show on Netflix called Envidiosa, ENVIOUS decía el cover que me atrajo. It's about this Argentinian chica who has 100000 of mental breakdowns and aha moments, relationship dramas—so real, so funny. Honestly, between Envious and Ginny & Georgia, this week was doable.

Not to be dramatic, but today I feel really tired. I notice I am starting to go down a small little wittle path where I need to check in before I continue. I need to check in. And I know there is a lot there to bring light to, to forgive, to see.

I want to say too—it’s so hard to build real friendships as an adult. Kids, kids—when you are a kid, it's so easy.

This week I was told I work too much. No wonder I’m too tired to do anything else. Well, how do you do all of it? You try. You keep trying.

I am so sensitive. How do you adult with sensitivity without losing yourself? All your layers, your versions.

Today I had a wonderful talk with a neighbor. I have always found myself being able to feel seen with her. I don’t know—you know when you meet people that feel like a different timeline version of yourself? They feel like you are being held by their presence.

I feel blessed to have a couple of those people in my life. And somehow, when I’m in dark moments, it feels like I’m so alone.

You know also what I feel like people don’t talk about? How much energy it takes to live unlearning so much, undoing so much. And at the same time, that energy is spent rewiring your brain for moments of safety, healing, love, contención.

You know, after today’s conversation, what is coming up for me is: the journey of our human path seems to be one of honor. One of honoring the surrender. One of honoring our fragility, our humanity, our je ne sais quoi.

So with that—today, I honor mine.
I am going to close this computer and go have a long meditation in the rain, close my eyes, tune in to my breath, and remember that at the same time soy todo, y at the same time soy nada.
Soy todo y nada.
The drop and the ocean.

Written elsewhere, with love,
Estefi